Saturday, December 1, 2007

Theoren Fleury: Rock Solid Reality TV Show

Theoren Fleury has approached TV executives with a proposal for a reality show about his concrete business. And they have apparently agreed that it would make for an intriguing real-life drama.

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FleuryTentatively titled "Cement Head Chronicles," the one hour weekly show follows the former Calgary Flame and his struggle to dominate the cut-throat business world and fight off the demons that haunted him throughout his impressive NHL career.

The pilot show features a shot of a cement truck pouring out the foundation for a new hockey arena in Buddfug, Alberta. Fleury is standing to the side supervising. The camera pans in on his face.

His eyes have a glazed, thousand yard stare. No voice over is necessary to tell viewers what is going through his mind. Everyone who ever crossed him, doubted him, offered him that 33rd beer of the night...the perfect hiding place, never to be seen again...

A subsequent show details the linguistic roots behind Fleury's bizarre western Canadian redneck patois and how he once managed to say "y'know" 86 times in a two minute interview.

cementPuck sluts have been replaced by cement sluts; middle aged white trash women in polyester jump suits who waste valuable company time by phoning and asking for Fleury to provide on-site estimates.

Heavyweights in the industry take exception to the free publicity and advertising that the show provides for Fleury's company. They send around thugs to put foot prints in freshly laid cement.

The obsession to increase ratings causes Theo to romanticize and dramatize his life to dangerous degrees. In an emotional late night discussion with his wife, he tells her he plans to start boozing again for the powerful narrative it will provide for the show. Her face starts to quiver. The audience awaits what will surely be an explosive display of histrionics in which she tells him it's gone too far.

"You..you...how? You...you read my mind. It's not about us at all! If we can help even one person, that's the only thing that matters!"

"Close. It's all about the children..."

The action cuts to a scene of him draining 40 ouncers of rye while breaking empty beer bottles over her head. She seems strangely gleeful.

LabattsThe show officially jumps the shark when, in a further attempt to churn up some on-camera emotions, Fleury contacts some of the greatest NHL boozers of all time. They form a hockey team called the Piss Heads, dedicated to raising funds for themselves. They debate whether to accept sponsorship from Labatt's.

They quickly decide there is no conflict of interest involved. The beer company delivers a few skids of their finest to the Piss Heads' dressing room before they are to play in an exhibition game against a group of 11 year-olds.

The rest of the team simultaneously fall off the wagon and join Fleury in an almighty piss-up.

They take to the ice and beat seven shades of shit out of the 11 year-olds.

4 comments:

  1. Obviously, humour is not your strong point.

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  2. You're a jackass. Comments like you're making could get you into legal trouble. But I guess you're Perfect right, we just having fun. Maybe get outta of the house for change and try it. Instead of writing slander. Jerk

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  3. Aw, you're a little hard on ole' Fleury. I have a customer next door to Fleury's shop, and he recommended I pop in. I did so, and found the company to be surprisingly well-run. He came out and greeted me and took me on a little tour. The quality of the poured floors was unique in that it looked like Mediteranean tile. I'm sure his "star" power will both help (star spokesman) and hinder him (time wasted with star-struck tire-kickers).

    -the GSOB

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  4. Theoren
    I wish you the very best in your new show. Yes, there will be many who doubt you based on your past. You have nothing to prove to those who do not undertand your illness. With your sobriety comes good fortune to those who believe. I had the pleasure of meeting you while you played for the flames when I lived in Edmonton. I would hire you in a minute for the concrete work on my garage if you were in business in Ontario. One Day at a Time!

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